Not exactly the Thanksgiving news I was expecting. I wasn’t expecting to be expecting again. In fact, I expected the next baby born into our family to be a grandchild!
After the shock wore off (and that took a few weeks), I battled with some unexpected feelings. I wanted the baby…was already in love with this little person…but did not want to be pregnant. Did not want to go through 9 months of feeling…bleh. Swollen feet. Sleepless nights. Aching back. Fatigue.
I also battled with feeling overwhelmed. Mother to five? It took a good year for me to understand how to manage the four I have now. And I feel…old. Really. At nearly forty, pregnancy and childbirth is a different experience. To start all over 10 years after our oldest was born…it was all a little hard to take in. I even think Hubs (who is Mr. Laid Back) was a little overwhelmed at the thought of adding another person to the dinner table.
I navigated nauseously through the holidays, taking daily cat naps and going to bed at 8. We had our first OB appointment with a new doctor (Dr. Laid Back) close to Christmas, complete with a peek at our newest family member, affectionately dubbed “Baby Cinco.” Still, I was wrestling with the prospect of our family growing and…changing.
About this time, the Lord started to speak to me about pausing. As I’ve prayed about how to pause and be still and wait on the Lord, I’ve also confessed my lack of enthusiasm about being pregnant. Grateful for this new life…just wishing it didn’t require the accompanying pregnancy and limitations. I’ve grieved over a writing conference I was planning to attend…about 2 weeks after this baby is due. Been disappointed not to be able to take a planned trip to California…Hubs’ mind will be more at ease of I stick closer to home. Wrestled over the fact that a photography class I wanted to take would require me to crawl around on the floor at 8.5 months pregnant…not a likely scenario.
Basically, I’ve had a hard time putting things I want to do on pause.
Selfish? Maybe. Maybe I wanted those things for myself a little too much. Maybe I felt like I deserved them. Mostly, I think I have struggled because I thought I understood where God was leading me…out of diapers and sippy cups and toddler-hood and into being able to do some things a little more independently.
But, that isn’t the path I find myself on. It doesn’t feel like “no,” but rather “not yet.” And that is hard. Harder than I really want to admit. Harder than I like. I’d really like to joyfully embrace whatever God has planned for me, however He has it timed. But, in reality that isn’t exactly where I find myself. I don’t doubt God’s plan is the very best for me and for my family…just having a hard time getting enthusiastic about it.
So, in this pregnant pause of sorts…I wait. For the Lord to change my heart. For Him to speak to me. For Him to revive me, strengthen me, fill me with. I wait for this baby…who will he or she be? How will mothering and loving this person change me…change us all? What new things of God will I learn?
I wait. With hope.
Father, thank You for You. Thank You for this pause…though I don’t fully understand the purpose. I trust You in it and with it. Change me. Help me to know you more. Fill me with Your Spirit. Revive my heart. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.